My health has been in the pooper since I was about 15. At that time I was an active 96 pound girl that was only 5 feet tall and took karate. I loved myself and was a social butterfly. However, school was an issue. I couldn't focus, couldn't sit still and my moods swung wildly. I was diagnosed with my list above and medicated. School became a piece of cake. But, back in the day bi-polar medication for anyone under 18 really didn't exist yet. So I was on an adults medication at 15. One of the side effects was "excessive weight gain". I was active and never had to worry about what I ate before, so I didn't change anything. Oops. In 9 short months, I went from 96 pounds at 15 years old to 196 pounds at 16 years old with no change in height. I also changed schools, so I became the new fat girl with no friends.
My self-esteem plummeted. My depression reigned and my meds kept me as stable as one can be in such a situation. I quit karate and turned to writing, sitting alone in front of my computer day in and day out. And snacking. Always snacking. Having something tasty to distract my mouth while I wrote helped me focus and made me feel better.
I continued this way for years. My immune-system was fairly shot, either naturally or from the meds I really don't know, and I got sick constantly. Someone around me would get a cold, I'd get the full on flu. Someone had the flu, I'd be bedridden for weeks. It was miserable and school was a nightmare. I eventually left HS and got my GED at 18, after being held back so long that I'd never graduate. So, while not in school and not dying of whatever illness struck me, I wrote. And while I wrote, I snacked. I also discontinued my medication in fear of gaining even more weight. And, since my mother's insurance only covered me while I was in school, I couldn't afford anything anyway.
I never got higher than 196 pounds. My body seemed to even out there. I'd go without eating due to being sick and would drop 5 for 6 pounds, only to gain it back almost overnight once I was well enough to eat real food. My mental state hovered, sometimes dipping, but I think I kept myself fairly normal out of sheer determination not to let my life fall apart (but that is for another blog).
Fast forward to 5 years ago. I moved in with my now-fiancee Sean. He's a big guy, standing 6'1" and weighing around 300 pounds. He'd got a lot of muscle there, but he could stand to lose 50 pounds. He is on his feet all day long, 12 hour shifts, at work, so his issue is how much he eats. He's got a nasty habit of eating one, maybe two, meals a day and gorging himself, instead of many smaller meals. He also eats junk like I do, which is completely my fault as I do the cooking here....
Sean is always telling me that he loves me just as I am. If I want to lose weight, I need to do it for me, not for him. I appreciate all his support, but my low self esteem refuses to NOT consider his approval of my body a priority. In the last 5 years we had one son (Colt), went on the Paleo diet, which helped me drop down to 160 pounds and had our second son (Jax) which helped me right back up to 196 pounds. sigh
As a stay at home mom, I'm kind of a mess. I can't seem to get my family on an actual routine to save my life (which scares me because Colt starts school in a year). I'm constantly behind on laundry (my most hated chore) and I could stand to vacuum more often then I do. Being unmediated is hard, but so is knowing you have to be on drugs to be normal. I did have some PPD with Jax, so I was medicated for a time. I stopped taking it after feeling like the meds were starting to make me worse. I felt better, but at this point, I should probably get on something. I akin my mental state to a game of Kerplunk. This game, if you've never heard of it... During my day, things that happen or anxiety triggers, are like the sticks being removed. When all the marbles fall, I am a crying, depressed ball of useless on our bed. Yeah, I should probably be medicated. But this blog isn't about my mental state, it's about my weight. I shared it because it has a lot to do with WHY I am as I am...
This is me now.
My family, taken last month. Colt is 4 and only 31 pounds, Jax is 15 months and 28 pounds. You can tell who took after who.... I wish Sean had been smiling, but with 2 kids, this was the best we could do. He also needs a hair cut.
ANYWAY.
That's me at 196 pounds. And I hate it. None of my clothes fit right (that shirt is crazy tight, the ruffles hide it a bit), I feel like a whale and I feel ugly, plain and simple.
So I'm doing something about it. Or I WANT to. My goal is to be at my goal weight, 140 pounds, by October 31st, 2017. That's about 5 and a half months from now. If I can lose about 2 pounds a week, I can make it happen.
I've been looking at before and after pictures of people who've made it happen for hope, I've been looking at low-carb recipes to start cooking and I've been getting as many tips, tricks and advice as I can. I've got a recumbent bike in my bedroom and, once our little plumbing issue (don't ask) is fixed, I'll be exercising on it 3 to 4 times a week. (I've got to be able to take a shower afterward, in case anyone is wondering why plumbing would effect my working out)...
I've got a plan. And this blog is part of it. I want to document my journey. I'm sure it will be full of whining, plenty of excuses and apologies for not posting, but I hope it'll also be full of success, determination and resilience.
I'll end this about me with one of my favorite quotes...
"Never give up on a dream because of the time it takes to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." -Earl Nightingale
